Dear Grad School,
Here is my opening line that will lure you in and set me apart from my peers. Well, sort of. Here is a follow-up sentence that references a quote from a dead person. Here is an ambiguous metaphor that will make you think about the meaning of life. Here is where most of you admissions people stop reading.
But if you’re still reading, I will now tell you how the events of my past have brought me to this very application. I will use phrases like “dabbled in” and “mentored by” and you may raise your eyebrows and question if I’m telling the truth. I am not. But sooner or later you will learn that I am a fantastic bull-shitter.
This is where I tell you about my experience in the field. You won’t know that my former employers were my aunt, my dad, my brother, my sister, myself. You won’t know that when I taught English to foreign children I was just babysitting my little cousins. You won’t know that my work in a soup kitchen took place in my own kitchen when I served chicken soup at Friday night dinner. You won’t know that my experience abroad involved tequila and an all-inclusive resort.
I’ll tell you why I want to be accepted to this specific program. You won’t know it’s just so I can move out of my parents’ house and decorate my own apartment. You won’t know it’s just so I have an answer when my parents’ friends ask me what I’m up to. You won’t know that it’s because I just got a new book bag and want an excuse to use it. I’ll even Google a professor from your faculty and throw in a line about my desire to learn from her/him and you’ll believe me.
I will now summarize everything I have said. I will use right click synonym and perhaps another dead person quote. My sentences will start to get shorter. Just so you know. I’m making. A point.
I will thank you for your time and tell you I look forward to hearing from you. I will then ask you to re-read this letter in a British accent and you'll see that I am much smarter than you initially thought.
* If, by any chance, the grad school I applied to is actually reading this, I'm just kidding and please accept me!!!